Foreword: A Small and Abridged Life Update
Hello. Sorry its been a second. I'm straining my eyes to write this as I no longer have
glasses. I flushed them down the toilet.
Another eupdate: I have a cool phone. It's a blackberry. Idk i dont have any pictures of it
whatever. it totally got me a cute babes number. if ur reading this cute babe with the name
of a celetial body then hayyy ;3
Ok now to the real reason im writing this. I just got back from therapy, which was crazy. It was crazy because for the first like 2 thirds of it it was just like "uyeah my life is kinda shit but like i think all things considered im doing okay with the cards im dealt and for now my mental health is okay!!" and then one thing quickly lead to another and then my therapist- bless her heart she may be the best to ever do it- just dropped like two back to back concepts to totally reframe my whole plight.
she introduced me to the idea that my coping mechanism of total avoidance and executive dysfunction may be wired similarly to addiction and maybe framing it like that can give me more clues as to how to address it. more significantly, she introduced me to the concept of separate child and adult psyches within my mind, and told me that often our child psyches are the ones who hold onto trauma, certainly trauma from our childhood (of which i have plenty, as most of us do) and thus are the psyches often tasked with dealing with that trauma.
what blew my mind just a little was her notion that the child psyche is not very logical and
notably does not often percieve time very linearly- what happened in the past (trauma) might
as well be happening now and what my future interests are might as well be reduced to my
current interests (maybe a better and more accurate way to frame this is my future
interests might as well be weighed the same as my current interests, which for me
typically are "dont do anything except let ur mind be nothing; rot on youtube" and
nearly always the interests that take less energy and are more geared towards instant
gratification are louder than the ones that should probably win out given my actual best
interests.)
the reason this resonated with me so much was because it could be used to totally explain
basically everything thats happening to me now, AND perhaps everything thats happened to me
in my relationship and even before that! all of the apathy and avoidance and minimum effort
and minimum energy... my well-known issues with self motivation and shortsightedness. dont
think about the past because why think about what hurt you. dont think about the future
because why think about what scares you. its childish, is it not? ofc sensing and
knowing these are issues is easy- my present-only psyche can do that just fine. knowing the
first thing about how to address that as an issue or even being able to see exactly why its
an issue to me as a larger being; thats more difficult to such a one dimensional construct
of my mind...
how now do i address this...
well, i think part of the issue in my last relationship was that i got so in my head that i
was supposed to be his caretaker that i let that overtake any notion that i should also be
taking care of myself. i think this is pretty clearly indicative of a compulsion to be a
caretaker to someone. i think in some ways its also shown itself in other relationships too.
tangentially, i think that i also have a complex where any self care i do is performed
basically solely for the perception of others around me. i dove into this with my therapist-
i feel sooo amazing when i shower and to my makeup and whatnot. i notice the unabashed
self-confidence that of course isnt present when i am days unwashed and rotting in my bed
(instead naturally there is nothing) return in full force when i see myself with washed hair
and clean clothes and cunty makeup. my therapist says this reaping of confidence and
strength of self is my child psyche: she is fully capable of reaping the reward of
self care, HOWEVER because of her one dimensional sense of time, when it comes time to
actually go through with showering and doing laundry, she can't know that it is in order to
create those moments of euphoria. all she can sense is that it is a disturbance to what is
right now- the self gratification of doing nothing, worrying about nothing, thinking about
nothing...
why then would i ever do it? well because i know the people im meeting and fraternizing with
and performing music with (im in a freakin rock band btw)
expect a clean, attractive, confident Camille. or at least, thats what i want them to
experience and expect. its for THEM, not ME.
i am interested in shifting over to performing self care for me and not for thee... i shower maybe all of 1 or two times a week? and its strictly before being social. again, i always feel amazinggg after cleaning myself and doing my makeup and whatever whatever, i just have such a disconnect that i cannot utilize that as motivation for doing it when it is inconvenient... also wait i had a point here...
oh uyeah, how im planning on addressing it.. well
i brought up my caretaker mentality i seem to possess... i am going to frame this in a way
that is silly.
what if! i was a caretaker... of myself!!!! WHATTT!!!
being in a position now to actually recognize separate psyches in my mind (previously i was
aware of a vague dichotomy between a logical and illogical portion of my mind and the human
mind in general, but really only in understanding at a surface level the idea of anxiety and
irrational fear...), perhaps i in framing it this way can awaken the adult psyche and put it
in charge of things that the child psyche has been erroneously made to handle... this i
think will look pretty well like the adult psyche taking care of the child psyche! my child
psyche i understand is who i am: it is my confidence, my creativity, my humor, my
sociality(?). my adult psyche should protect my child psyche, giving her the best chance to
flex the muscles she is designed to flex.
hoooooooly shit i figured out dark mode
I updated my website so I guess i should write a post, huh? i've been kinda neglecting my site as ive been working on my pokemon godot project pretty relentlessly.
im super impressed with myself at how capable i am at programming- ive only just recently taken up seriously learning python (which I KNOW is an easy ass language, especially for someone who has done obj oriented programming before but LET ME HAVE THIS.) being successful at programming my gay little pokemon game is the most fulfilling thing ive done maybe since estrogen. it feels nice to solve problems and overcome small hurdles that arent big enough to totally make me lose hope. in other words, it feels good to be a gangster
i guess thats it for like right now, im gonna go back to python. sorry html/css, you fucking REEK!! follow me on github!!!!!!!!!!!
oh and btw if ur reading this and ur really cute and ur name starts with f, hii :)
i'm downloading a shit ton of drum corps shows to restart my archive.
i spent a week+ fleshing out an archive from all the high quality rips i could find on
youtube but someone on reddit pointed my eye to a neat aweosme archive thats already really
thorough and very high quality, so i sighed and kicked a cartoon rock across the floor and
then deleted the archive i'd been working on for a good while now and started downloading
from that online archive !!
u might ask "CAMILLE!!! why the hell r u downloading a copy of this archive when it's just available online?? problem solved??"
NO, you stupid bitch!
that archive is beautiful and i am grateful for what it is it as a fan resource, but what i
am aiming to do is download and compile all of the videos in my mac's itunes library and
fill in all the metadata, including some freaking awesome album arts that im designing and
like the show titles and the repertoire and everything, it's going to be very thoroughly
metadata'd and MOST IMPORTALNTY: very easily syncable to iphones and ipods!!! i'm actually
doing the project so i myself can have a buncha drum corps shows to listen to but especially
watch on my ipod classic :3
why? idfk thats cool as fuck, why not?
anyways, downloading from this new archive takes a while longer than using the command line tool i was using to download from youtube, so i've been taking the downtime while downloading as an opportunity to do a menial task i've taken up recently: shiny hunting
everyone's been on the hype for pokemon firered & leafgreen, which is really cute to see as someomne who has leafgreen on her gameboy advance and has been playing it pretty sparingly for the last like decade LOL. idk, it's just cute to see new ppl get into old pokemon by way of these new switch ports god king nintendo has blessed us with.. and ofc by us i mean not me... since.... i have it on my original hardware >:3
i recently started a new save file because 1) i didnt really like the name i picked out
("CAMI" instead of "CAMILLE"; idk i like cami as a nickname with friends or whatever but
professor oak we r not like that, ok?) and 2) uhhh idk i forgot the other
reason...
but anyways yeah i was shiny hunting charmander for a while (in like 20 minute
sessions once or twice a week LMAO). idfk why i picked charmander, maybe that's like a
remnant of my cis-ness; picking charmander in kanto seems maybe very male coded i feel....
so since i'm playing leafgreen and i have a really cute awesome bulbasaur plushy on my
purse, of course i am this time around picking BULBASAUR for my shiny
starter hunt!!
not only that.... i'm going crazy with it. i need a challenge (-girl who's literally
only completed one shiny hunt EVER and it was a probably extremely
lucky mudkip hunt in ORAS with gen 6 odds......)
i'm shiny hunting..... FEMALE bulbasaur!!
that's right: for no reason other than to prolong my fidget toy of mashing a and b and listening to the same 2 songs and sound effects over and over again, i am choosing to stack a classic shiny roll of 1 in 8192 with an actually rather problematically sexist 1 in 8 gender roll!! i am not beautiful at math but thats like... a 1 in 64000-something chance...
FUCK...
anyways that's all... back to downloading all my videos from scratch and only getting to check for shinies every 1 in 8 resets !!!!! bye i love u !!
right now, i'm homeless. i live in a homeless shelter, though everyone here is largely
pretty nice and bearable, so i realize that things could be much worse they are.
that's
not the point of this entry, so i shan't dwell. (heh... shan't dwell? yeah not without a
home, LOSER!)
i dont have access to most of my things right now but what i do have is my awesome gay
laptop :3
i've been going crazy mode with learning programming;
(check this out im about to make a list...)
(slightly honorable mention: this website, gdquest learn gdscript or whatever-
it was
cute and well put together and pretty useful, just maybe for someone whos not me, who
has like already a really solid grasp more or less on object oriented programming and
python and js and whatnot... certinaly a beginner-targeted tutorial! i recommend u check
it out if that sounds like something u could use !!!)
anyways, all that to say... this is a nothing burger site rn but i have big abitions for it
(as i do with any of my projects lawllll)
gootbye for now
